Late Night Conversation

Had a good conversation with a friend of mine last night. We ended up talking till about 1 in the morning. We like to do that. It's one of the things I enjoy the most about having him visit. He has been instrumental in several paradigm shifts in my recent life.

Last night was one of them. We were talking about my job, and I was kind of down about it. I've always considered myself a smart guy. A pretty level headed guy. Someone who excels at anything he does. Well, I don't feel like I excel at this job. We discussed the reasons for that, most of which are related to confidence. I'm still just not very comfortable with my boss (I'm getting there), and I don't really feel like I fit in all that much at CFS.

He told me something from his life that has really helped him out, and then applied it to my situation.

He said that what I needed to do was look at my job as one entity, rather than the two entities I'm currently seeing it as. I am seeing one CFS that I really like, the good times, the sales and dealing with customers, etc. And I am seeing another CFS that is hard on my body, that is hard on my stress level, that doesn't pay me enough, and where I am always in state of reaction because there is no sence of planning or organization. I need to look at them as one thing. One company.

He's right, and you can hear it in the way I talk about it. One minute I'll be talking about how much I love some of the things I do, the next I am complaining about my back hurting, or about how tired I am after dealing with the stress of every day being an emergency. But I don't seem to associate the two.

What I need to to is look at it as a whole, evaluate it's effect on me, and decide if it is something is good for me, or if it is something that is hurting me.

When I look at CFS, I see how awesome it can be. And sometimes I fail to see exactly how far away it is from being an awesome company. It's already almost lost its most beneficial employee because no matter how hard he tries to make it better, it doesn't get better. The owner just isn't willing to do what it takes to really make this place great. We hope he comes back, but I get the feeling that he won't.

Anyways, our conversation last night really got me thinking about all this stuff. Maybe it's time to move on. Actually, I'm pretty sure it is. When I take a realistic look at my job, I know what I should do. Or at least I think I do.

We also discussed reasons why I haven't already started an aggressive job search. One of the biggest reasons for me is St. Louis. I was unemployed for 4 months. It was literally hell. I have never felt so hopeless and helpless. I have never doubted in myself more than I did in those long 4 months. I don't want to go through that again. And I am kind of secure in the idea that I have a job right now. I fear that if I was to find another job, that it would become another St. Louis. That the job would seem to be awesome, but in the end, would fail and leave me unemployed again. I don't think I could bear that. It would be so destructive for me and my family.

But I have to try. Though it is comforting to have a steady job right now, it is not enough. It was never meant to be the way I support my family. It was meant to get me back on my feet. Well, I am better off now than I have been since I got home from my mission. But I have kind of capped out. I need to move on to something better.

Well, we'll see what happens.